Xploding Unicorn: Parenting Olympics would decider we with cold, tough numbers

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Meet James Breakwell, (AKA @XplodingUnicorn on Twitter) IndyStar’s new primogenitor columnist. Breakwell went viral final year with his self-deprecating jokes about a trials of parenthood.
Mykal McEldowney/IndyStar

You probably consider we have a world’s best mom or dad. Why? Because they lifted you. Seems a small egotistical if we ask me.

Here’s a improved approach to arrange parents: The Parenting Olympics. Rather than judging we by how happy or healthy your kids are, a Parenting Olympics would decider we as God intended: with cold, tough numbers. Most parenting skills can be totalled with a stop watch or a fasten measure, nonetheless there’s still some room for artistic flair. There’s some-more than one approach to change a diaper.

The awards during a Parenting Olympics would be opposite than during a unchanging Olympics. Moms and dads have no use for medals, that would usually be one some-more thing they’d have to dust. Instead, a Parenting Olympics would give winners what they unequivocally want: naps. Past a certain age, we comprehend a best tools of life are when you’re unconscious. When you’re a parent, a usually place we don’t hear fussy is in your dreams.

Parents don’t have time to train, so any eventuality during a Parenting Olympics would exam we on a things we already do each day. Those are specialized skills, even if we don’t comprehend it. Keeping your child alive takes as many talent and appetite as being an chosen athlete, though though a celebrity or fortune. That’s okay. We don’t have kids to make ourselves rich or well-known. We do it for some other reason we can’t consider of right now.

Events during a Parenting Olympics will include:

● The crafting sprint: Your child has a large diorama due initial thing in a morning, though they didn’t tell we about it until 8 p.m. a night before. Is one night adequate time to build a Taj Mahal in a shoe box? It improved be or your child will repeat a third grade. Parents will be judged on time, craftsmanship, and whether they swear enough.

● Synchronized chair belting: Strap a container of children into a minivan with a time running. Parents will be judged on speed, accuracy, and how many debate they means when they post a design of it on a internet.

● Surprise swimming: Give your child a bath while they dash out H2O like an orca in a kiddie pool. The primogenitor with a many H2O left in a cylinder during a finish wins.

● The passed lift: The heaviest intent in a star isn’t a black hole. It’s a 2-year-old who doesn’t wish to be moved. To win, raise an disinclined toddler in a atmosphere a many times though violation your behind or any laws of physics.

● Triple jump: Complete a array of hops over sparse toys to get from a vital room to a kitchen. Your measure will be formed on a stretch we burst and a volume of food we eat when we get there.

● Tug of war: Your toddler’s favorite sweeping smells like it’s been drug opposite a building each day for a year because, well, it has. Try to lift it out of your toddler’s hands so we can rinse it.

● The still game: Keep your child from creation a sound in public. The final primogenitor with a wordless child wins. No drug darts allowed.

● Reverse pike toss: Stop your kids from throwing pointy objects. The leader is whichever primogenitor ends adult with a fewest reserve scissors lodged in their wall.

● The marathon: Chase your child around a residence compartment they get tired, that they won’t. The final primogenitor to fall from depletion wins. This one can be awarded posthumously.

● Domestic equestrian: Give your child a horsey float on your back. It’s all fun and games until we get to a jumps. Do good to acquire yourself a good bag of oats.

● Downhill step skiing: Fall down a stairs while carrying 6 things for your kid. Points will be awarded formed on how good we act like we did it on purpose.

● The relay: Pass off your parenting responsibilities to a relative, babysitter, or foreigner we see on a street. Points will be awarded for how quick we make a sell and either or not we ever come back.

● Skating around formidable questions: Your child asks we where babies come from. To win, contend a many difference though conveying any tangible information. The birds and bees can wait until your child is out of college.

● Cycling: Spin your wheels for days or even years. Points will be awarded formed on how good we remonstrate yourself you’re indeed removing somewhere.

● Floor exercises: Get practice by picking adult all your kid’s junk off a floor. Whoever moves a many things wins. You can use a shovel, though bulldozers are particularly forbidden.

● The decathlon: Do 10 things during once while your child complains that you’re doing 9 of them too slow. To win, be common during a garland of things rather than good during any one. This is fundamentally parenting in a nutshell.

● The shot put: Your nerves are shot, so put off all until tomorrow. The primogenitor who procrastinates a best wins. The leader will be announced someday.

Thanks to a Parenting Olympics, you’ll finally know where we arrange on a grand pantheon of moms and dads. Congratulations if you truly deserve that “Number One” mom or father coffee mug. we won’t be jealous. Coffee will ambience usually as good from mop series 2,343,808.

But what do we know? I’m usually a man who will substantially be unfit for cheating.

Follow James Breakwell on Twitter (@XplodingUnicorn) or Facebook (Facebook.com/ExplodingUnicorn).

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