Now Hiring: President, New York Knicks (No Experience Necessary)

No knowledge as an executive is preferred. We are acid for someone who has achieved substantial success while contracting an separate ability set. Applicant can be a coach, counsel or short-order cook.


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Applicants with some executive knowledge might be considered, though that knowledge would have to be truly catastrophic — such as when Scotty Stirling was hired in 1986 as a Knicks’ ubiquitous manager after he had traded Robert Parish and a rights to breeze Kevin McHale to Boston for Joe Barry Carroll while he was operative for a Golden State Warriors.

Priority will be given to possibilities past retirement age, with loss appetite and zero left to prove.

Applicant contingency be peaceful to risk and pledge a hard-earned Hall of Fame reputation. Past self-sacrificing employees have enclosed Don Nelson, Lenny Wilkens, Isiah Thomas, Larry Brown and Phil Jackson.

Individual should be fervent to omit all requests for interviews as he walks past reporters in a mezzanine after each game. Must be gentle with confidence guards during his seat. He will also be approaching to bar reporters from vocalization with other members of a organization, for no sold reason.


Fans of a Knicks group to a Garden to watch a group with a unapproachable tradition.

Jonathan Bachman/Associated Press

Candidate’s name should be simply shortened or remade into a tortured joke to promote hoax by publication title writers.

Wiseguy Twitter comment is imperative in sequence for claimant to say extraneous communication with fan base.

Applicant is approaching to be a realistic proponent of a specific descent complement that should not indispensably fit crew on a court. Preferable if complement is named after geometric shape, such as “rhombus.” Other excusable tags: college teams (“U.C.L.A.!” — Larry Brown) and tools of physique (“Run a fist!” — Hubie Brown).

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Must denote ability to pointer team’s aging giveaway agents to long-term contracts, featuring no-trade clauses, afterwards to green on them during ugly, open campaigns.

At a same time, applicant contingency be skilful during demoralizing earnest immature players who tire of consistent controversies. Threats to understanding means youngsters should successfully reduce their trade value.


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Candidate might never, ever doubt why, on world Earth, fans of a Knickerbockers are still stuffing Madison Square Garden nightly and profitable unreasonable prices for beer.

Preference will be afforded any applicant smooth in a denunciation of “Potential-ese.”

Candidate will be compulsory to exaggerate of a deceptive tie to a Knicks’ excellence days, or to anybody’s excellence days. At really least, contingency have been a large fan of a unstinting 1973 championship team.

Applicant should instinctively know how to seem bustling until a 2018 draft, notwithstanding carrying small leisure to act since of singular top space and ironclad actor contracts.

Applicant contingency agree, in advance, to “a mutual interruption of a ways” after dual or 3 seasons. Departure will be organised shortly after a agreement prolongation is signed.

Salary will be co-ordinate with miss of experience, times a hundred.

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